(Student Submission)
Artist Statement:
Like most people, quarantine has been an interesting experience for me. I have found myself on a roller coaster of emotions, from the peaks of happiness and relaxation to the valleys of loneness and emptiness. What I have missed most during quarantine has been my interactions with people (outside of my immediate family) that I hold dear to me. One such person is my grandfather or, as my younger self named him, “Papa.” Since the start of quarantine, I have greatly missed our monthly breakfast meetings where we would decompress and would talk about the happenings in our lives. I felt that these monthly meetings were the perfect vehicle to discuss how everything has changed due to COVID. Furthermore, I decided to write for the “Before, During and After” prompt, wanting to show how things have been uprooted and warped with time. It was my intention to both write how the quarantine has impacted our daily lives and to produce an emotional piece about the relationship between my grandfather and me. I enjoyed writing this piece and I hope you enjoy reading it.
Standing Here With Me Today
The first thing I noticed as I walked into the restaurant was the immediate wall of people standing in the doorway, waiting to be seated at a table. They were packed in like sardines, their large and puffy winter coats sometimes taking up more space than their actual bodies. I squeezed my way through the barrier and popped out on the other side, seeing the open restaurant in front of me.
The restaurant was unusually packed, even more than it would be for a normal Saturday morning. Every table within my sight was occupied with people sitting down and talking while enjoying plates of sausage, eggs, toast, and waffles. Through a long window on one of the walls, I could see the chefs running around and preparing food in the kitchen. It was most definitely a busy and profitable February morning for their business.
I started to walk between the tables, looking for the one which held an empty seat for me. Dodging out of the way of bustling waiters and trying not to interrupt other customers, I searched the compact restaurant. Turning the corner, at last I saw my grandfather sitting down at a table with an open seat.
He was looking down at his phone with a cup of coffee at his side. As if on cue, he looked up from his phone, glanced over at me, smiled and waved. I returned the smile and strolled over to the table.
“Sorry, I’m a bit late.” I said as I placed my coat on the back of my chair and sat down across from him, “It took me a bit longer to get here than I anticipated.”
He took another sip from his coffee and placed it down, the mug made a soft clanking sound as it made contact with the wooden table. “It’s fine, I have only been here for a couple of minutes,” he said as he folded his glasses and put them in his pocket along with his phone. I could tell that he was lying. There was no way he got us a table that fast considering how busy the restaurant was. I figured that he must have been here for at least 15 minutes now. Still, I decided not to comment on it. “Anyways, let’s get started.”
Last summer, my grandfather decided that he wanted to meet and talk with me every few weeks to check in on my life. Since then, on one Saturday a month, I had to drag myself out of bed early and drive down to a restaurant to have breakfast with him.
At first, I figured that these meetings were going to be all about me and my college search; however, after the initial few, it seemed that my grandfather also wanted to decompress and talk about what was going on in his life to me as well.
Honestly, I always enjoyed our discussions quite a bit. They were the only times where I saw my grandfather outside of family gatherings and the only times where the two of us could have a lengthy discussion about our lives without being interrupted.
“How has school been?”
I looked up from my meal to meet my grandfather’s eyes. “uhh… It’s been good … very stressful though. These last two weeks have been probably the toughest so far this year.” I took a quick sip from my glass of water. “I had a very long English paper, a 30-minute government presentation, and my government research paper all due in a span of a week. I feel exhausted after all of that.”
“What was your research topic again?” My grandfather asked, still with his mouth half full of food. “I know you told me it before.”
“I picked the history of net neutrality in the United States. It was a good and interesting topic; it just had a lot of research and dense reading.”
My grandfather nodded. “Seems like something right up your alley.” He took a sip from his coffee. “How was running on top of all of that?”
“It definitely made things a little more difficult than they should have been, but I was glad for the distraction from my schoolwork. Had my last indoor track meet a few weeks ago, so now I’m just training for outdoor.”
“Keep up with the running, that’s a lifetime sport. It’s good to hear that you found a physical activity that you enjoy doing.”
I chuckled, “Yeah, my father says the same thing.” I paused for a few seconds. “How have you been?”
“Pretty good. With all of the work at the office and stuff at home, there is always something for me to do. We’re moving forward with selling the business, trying to get all of the paperwork done, and preparing the office before we let it go.”
For as long as I could remember, my grandparents had worked and owned a home storage design and build business. While they found it enjoyable, they also realized that they were both getting old and were growing tired of work. For the last year or so, they had started cutting back the hours they worked per week. Now, since last November, they had been preparing to permanently separate from the business.
I took a sip of water, washing bits of eggs down my throat. “That’s good to hear.”
“Yeah, we have one more cruise planned for the fall, we’re going down the east coast of Central America. Your grandmother is very excited.”
“How has she been?” He gave a quick and small frown as he took another sip of his coffee.
“She has been trying her best, but it’s definitely noticeable some days,” He looked down at the table, avoiding my eyes. “Some days she’ll forget and will keep poking her head into the family room to ask me the same question about dinner preferences or something like that.” He looked back up at me and smiled, “It’s a little tiresome, but I can manage.”
“I’m glad she has you supporting her.”
“It’s weird to think that it will be 50 years this July, I got very lucky with her. You know, back when we were in school..” He went on talking about the early years with my grandmother, how they had to travel from place to place because of his military service, about raising my father, uncle, and aunt in Singapore and more. I found it very hard to focus on the monologue my grandfather was giving: I was distracted by the slowly growing smile of joy on his face as he talked about the last 50 or so years with his wife. It was a very pure smile, one which could not be faked in the slightest. He slowed down and then finally stopped talking. “Sorry to bore you.”
“You’re fine, it’s very clear to me how much you guys love and support each other. I’m glad to hear it.” My grandfather gave me another big smile.
“Now, let’s talk about the main event.” He joked, “How has the college search process been going?”
“Not much has changed since the last time,” I answered. “Still have to hear back from a few schools, but that will take another month or two. My father has already planned some spring visits to schools that have already accepted me: he planned two in the middle of our spring break vacation.”
He signed, “That’s your father alright. He is just trying to help; he loves you and he knows how big of a decision this is for you. He just wants the best for you.”
“I know.”
“Alex, you got the whole rest of your life in front of you. There are going to be times where you will make mistakes and you’ll be forced into difficult situations. Your father just wants to make sure that this isn’t one of those times.” He paused for a second or two. “I know that whatever school you pick, you will excel there and I’m sure your father feels the same way too. He just wants to make sure that you are confident with the choice you are going to make.”
I looked down at my half-finished plate of eggs, “Yeah, I know.” I should have felt a sense of joy or comfort with the words my grandfather just said, but all I felt was melancholy. The words made me think of a time where I would have to navigate the world without his help: I did not like thinking about such a time.
…
I sat at my desk in my lonely room, my door shut close to keep the noise out. Staring at my blackened computer screen, I saw my hallowed and empty face looking back at me. The bags under my eyes were a bit darker now, my hair was certainly longer than I preferred, and I now had a small itchy beard bordering my face. It wasn’t a face I particularly liked; however, in fairness, there wasn’t much that had happened in the last month that I have liked.
Being completely truthful, I didn’t want to have a video call with my grandfather right now. I had just finished my classes for the day, and I wanted to escape my dungeon-like room and be outside in the fresh air. I wanted to go move my legs on a run or lay down and read a book in a hammock: getting onto another video call was one of the last things I wanted to do now. I sighed.
I would have never predicted this. If someone came up to me and told me half a year ago that I would be finishing high school career through online classes due to a mandatory quarantine, I would have laughed in their face and walked away. Hell, I didn’t even believe any of that in the middle of March. I remember classmates of mine talking about how we may not come back to school after spring break and would finish the year online. I remember thinking that they were fools to believe so. Now, it’s a month later and I realize that I was the one acting foolish.
My computer screen suddenly jolted awake and loudly announced an incoming video call. I quickly readjusted my posture in my chair and forced myself to smile. I then accepted the call and my grandfather’s face popped onto my computer screen.
“Hello!” I said, waving at my screen. My grandfather waved back and then started to talk; however, I didn’t hear a thing. I spoke up, “Papa, I think you are on mute.” He stopped and brought his screen close to his face, trying to find the button to unmute himself with. All I could see was a close up of his nose. After a few seconds, which I presumed was him pressing every button except the correct one, I finally heard some of the background noise from his side of the call.
“Is this better?” He asked.
“Yep, I can hear you now,” I responded. He placed his camera back on the table and centered himself in the frame.
“Well, this is an interesting way to have our meeting.” He let out a soft chuckle at the end.
“Yeah, it’s been uhh.. it’s been a weird month or so. How are you and grandma holding up?”
He let out a deep sigh, “Well, we are trying to make the most of it, you know. We have been watching a lot of movies recently and taking walks around the neighborhood when the weather is nice.”
“I hope you guys are wearing masks.”
“I know for a fact that your father would kill me if we didn’t. We are also staying away from other people as well. … It’s been hard on your grandmother especially. I myself am starting to lose track of the days and time, I cannot imagine how she is feeling. … How are you guys doing?”
“As good as we can be, I guess. It just really sucks that this is all happening now. I was supposed to go on a vacation with just my parents, but that obviously didn’t happen. I have been stuck at home with everyone since it all started. I have been trying my best to keep busy with running, reading, and schoolwork, but everything just feels very weird and alien. I hope it ends soon.”
“Likewise. I’m assuming your track season isn’t going to happen now?” He asked.
“There is a chance that it still could happen,” I responded. “It’s unlikely, but we could have a shortened season at the end of May, with a post-season in early June. I hope that is the case, I really want another few chances to beat my PRs.”
My grandfather shifted in his seat. “You are doing online classes now, right? How have they been?”
I signed, “Very boring and uninteresting. Only two of my classes are actually teaching us new material now. Most of them are just reviewing for the AP exams and the others don’t know how to teach given the limitations of online learning. We do three one hour classes a day now and they are very exhausting. Grade wise, I’m doing fine, but I’m just kind of tired of it all.”
“Is graduation still going to happen?”
“As it is planned right now? I don’t know. They haven’t said anything about it yet.” I smiled, “My mother will definitely not be happy if my graduation is ruined because of all of this.”
“Well there isn’t much she’ll be able to do about it,” my grandfather commented.
“How is work? Are you guys fully shut down?”
“For right now, yes. It really bothers me as we were in the middle of the installation phase on a few projects, but I can’t do much against the Governor’s order. I’ll have to be careful about which workers I bring back first.”
I nodded.
What a mess the world has fallen into. Everything changed so fast, one day I was going to school and hanging out with my friends. The next, I was forced to stay inside and separate myself from the world. It has been quite lonely. Sure, I can talk to and play games with my siblings and parents, but they get under my skin constantly. I can reach out to my friends and talk to them online, but it just isn’t the same. I miss seeing them in person. This was supposed to be one the best times of my life, second semester senior year where almost nothing matters at all. I feel like it has all just been ripped from me, leaving me empty inside.
I know it’s selfish of me to say so, but I just want things to return to normal.
“Have you picked a school yet?” I was brought back from my inner thoughts and found my grandfather waiting for a response.
“uhh.. Not yet, no. I have heard back from all the schools I applied to and I have limited the list down to only a couple. Most schools have been offering online information sessions for accepted students, so my dad has been making me attend those. I still have a few more weeks until I have to reach a final decision.”
“Ah” He paused for few seconds and I feared that a connection error occurred. “Well,” He finally continued, “I won’t hold you; I know you have things to be doing. Keep up the good work and finish the year strong, got it?”
I replied, “Of course. Please stay safe.”
“Don’t worry about me. Talk to you soon.”
“Got it, love ya.”
“Love you too”
Then, just as abruptly as it started, the video called ended.
…
I had my high school graduation at the end of July. Instead of having a grand reception in the courtyard with my peers, teachers, and everyone’s families, I found myself walking throughout the emptied halls of my school with just my mother and father. Each student was restricted to only a span of five minutes to grab their diploma, yearbook, and leave the building before another family came. All I wanted from the event was some closure for the last four years of my life; however, walking out five minutes later, all I felt was emptiness again.
The only thing sadder than that to me was what happened when I returned home. I found my paternal grandparents and my maternal grandmother there waiting with my sisters, ready to celebrate my graduation. I went to go hug my grandmother; however, she backed away, saying how she couldn’t do that at this time. It was disheartening for such words to be said as a reaction to a hug.
Still, I was glad to see everyone. It had been forever since I had seen my grandparents in person; the dinner plans for their 50th wedding anniversary, unfortunately, fell through as people wanted to play it safe during this dangerous time.
Safety was the number one concern at this gathering as well. We were all outside and my father was very adamant about everyone keeping their distance from each other. Despite the precautions we took with such an event, it was clear that others did not feel the same way about this necessity.
What frustrated me more than my lackluster graduation was how it seemed that the world couldn’t make its mind on whether this quarantine was over yet. Some people were still living in complete isolation from the outside world while others (like mine) who only became slightly a little more relaxed, allowing for others to meet up with them in certain safe areas. On the other extreme were the people who seemed to act like everything had past and were trying to ease back into their normal lives, except for the face mask. Why could the world not just have a single standard for how we are supposed to act during all of this?
Despite the given circumstances, the family gathering was definitely enjoyable and rememberable. As was tradition, I tried a few puffs of a cigar with my father and grandfather and, afterward, I tasted a shot of Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whisky. I concluded that those were two vices that I wouldn’t be returning to for a very long time.
Over brunch, my grandfather discussed their quarantine in great detail to my parents and the table. Their cruise to Central American was unfortunately postponed. They had been able to reopen their business in the last few months and were trying to return things back to normality before they continued the business sale process.
Other than my status as a now rising college freshman, nothing much had changed for me. They all already knew where I was heading in the fall as I had decided on a college in early May. I filled my grandparents in with the results of my AP exams and how I decided to start training for a half-marathon with the absence of my outdoor track season.
Overall, it was a nice celebration.
As things were winding down, my grandfather pulled me aside. We started walking to the front side of the house, where the others wouldn’t be able to hear us.
“Do you know when you are heading up to Worcester yet?” he asked.
“Sometime in late August, assuming that I actually can come to campus.” He raised his eyebrow. “They are making class available remotely for kids that cannot or don’t want to come to campus. I really want to go to campus, but if for some reason I cannot or they don’t let me, I’ll have to stay here and do online classes again.” I shook at the thought of doing all online classes again, this time for an entire semester.
“Well, either way, we should definitely get together for breakfast one last time. Then I’ll have to start meeting with your sister.”
My mind treated that thought like poison. To me, breakfast with Papa always seemed like an event specially reserved for me. I did not like the thought of my sister becoming part of the tradition I shared with our grandfather alone. Still, I know that it would end up that way despite my feelings. I was leaving for the next adventure in my life, living more than nine hours away. Out of respect for my grandfather, I let my brain chew on the proposition.
“I not sure if my parents will let me dine in a restaurant still. You know how cautious they are being about all of this.”
“Ahh,” my grandfather replied, “well, maybe we’ll have to get takeout and then eat outside. Sound good?” He turned his head and smiled at me.
I returned his smile, “Yeah, of course.” We stopped walking at the end of the driveway and turned back to face the house. It was a beautiful house. I had lived there throughout all of high school.
“Listen, Alex. I know that this isn’t how you wanted to end high school and potentially start college. I know that this isn’t what your mother, father, both your grandmothers and I imagined for your graduation. However, despite all of this, you still have to push forward. You have come a long way in 18 years, exponentially more so in the last four. I have watched you grow up from a young boy who I could cradle in my arms to an admirable and intelligent young adult ready to take the world. I know that you will go to great places and that you will achieve great things. These last few months are nothing but a stick in the road. Within the mosaic of your life, they will only play a large role if you allow them to. Hit the ground running, grandson. Make the most of any opportunity you are given.” He turned to me and embraced me in a hug. “I’m very proud of you, you know that right? Remember that time we went to the Ohio State game for your 10th birthday? I still have the picture your mother made to commemorate the event on my office desk. Every time I look at it, I’m amazed that that boy grew up to be the man standing here with me today.”
I didn’t know why his words hit me so hard, he has said that he’s proud of me before. However, as I listened to him, I knew that those were words I was going to cherish for the rest of my life. I returned the embrace.
“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” That quote from Charles Bukoswki were the words I chose for my senior page in the yearbook. Originally, I submitted that quote as a reflection on the last four years of my life; however, with all of the events that have occurred over the last few months, it seems more fitting now than ever.
All of this time spent in quarantine will reveal how we have all had to grow and adapt to our rapidly changing world. While some changes seem uncomfortable, in the end, they may be for the best. Hopefully this time will be a footnote in human history. But what we learn from it, will shape our world indefinitely.